The zombie apocalypse… Something we all wait for with great excitement, but those of you who think zombies will be like the ones in a Romero film or the Walking Dead I think you’ll be very disappointed. Let me give you some reasons why:

1: Back in 1968 when Romero gave us Night of the Living Dead no one knew anything about zombies, how to deal with them, what to look out for, nothing. But we don’t live in 1968 anymore, we live in 2012… zombies are well ingrained into our psyche. Everyone and their grandmother has knocked up a second rate zombie film at some point. We’re all aware of zombies so if we were to meet a slow, lumbering dead body out looking for a bite to eat we have enough knowledge to deal with it.

2: For slow moving zombies to take over the world, millions of people would have to turn pretty much at the same time. If there were only a few zombies, reason 1 would come into play and they would be dealt with quickly.

3: Medical reasons. Now our resident medical type Samantha Thayer could give you plenty of reasons why dead bodies coming back to life would be quite tricky. I’ve just got a couple:

A) Decomposition. This would be a serious threat to the zombie apocalypse, we might be in trouble for a few months, but keep your head down, stay in your shelters and when you re-enter society all you’ll find left of the zombies will be some very decomposed dead bodies.

b) Rigor mortis. This will cause dead bodies to turn as stiff as a plank of wood so just moving would be almost impossible for a zombie, let alone grabbing hold of someone and biting lumps out of them!

On top of all this someone somewhere has got to invent a virus that reanimates dead bodies, stops decomposition, stops rigor mortis, and God knows how many other things. But never fear my chums. The zombie apocalypse will still arrive, just not in the Walking Dead form.

Films like 28days/weeks later, and the crazies give us a much more likely infected apocalypse. Right now we have Scientists in labs messing with the human genome, inventing all manner of interesting things to unleash on our inner homicidal maniac.

Imagine a terrorist group getting hold of a chemical/genetically engineered virus made by these bored scientists and releasing it in major cities all over the world at the same time. People would die by the thousands; hordes of infected humans would roam the streets looking for people to turn on. Your apocalyptic wet dreams would still come true just in a slightly different way.

Of course I could be completely wrong. We could end up with a Return of the Living Dead style apocalypse, in which case forget the head shots, break out the flamethrowers, and buy yourself a good strong helmet to protect your precious BRAINS!!!!!!

“I’ll be back!” >Arnie<